The Hinata goes to Hogwarts
by Murto
Summary: Chapter 5 - Bananas, Duelling and Bears Oh My! After who knows how many years, here's a new chapter for fans of the series. More Duels! Bananas! Secrecy!
1. The Letters

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Title: Hinata and the Philosopher's Stone.

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Chapter: #1 – The Letters

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Author: Murto

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Stupid Crap: This FanFic is dedicated to the Australian and New Zealand servicemen and women who gave their lives to defend our countries. Go the mighty ANZACs! Even though our defence forces are rather puny, we have the best soldiers in the world. (Heh, one of our grunts is the equivalent of an American Special forces) :]. It's also a pity that the Kiwi's have scrapped their army and only gone with an Airforce / Navy combination.

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Legal Crap: I do not own Love Hina, nor do I own Harry Potter. They both belong to their respective authors; Ken Akamatsu and J K Rowling.

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Pre-FanFic Notes: Hey dudes! Ok, this may seem like a bad idea for a Fic but I'll give it a crack, ne? Harry Potter is really awesome, but I don't really want to write a Harry Potter fic. So I thought, CROSSOVER!!!!. The LH characters in a HP setting was too good to resist. Honestly I'm surprised that no-one else had undertaken this idea, considering that most anime freaks like Harry Potter as well. Anyways, IKEMASU!!!

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Chapter: #1 – The Letters

It was a relatively normal day filled with the polyphony of chaos that surrounds the Hinata. Narusegawa Naru was sitting in her room, looking through her stuff trying to find something she had lost as usual. Aoyama Motoko was practicing her sword techniques on the roof deck whilst Maehara Shinobu hung up the washing. Konno Mitsune was passed out, still sleeping off the last night's worth of drinking along with the FanFic's Author, Murto. Kaolla Su and Sarah McDougall were up to something as usual, probably plotting the take over the world like most Junior Highschool students do. Urashima's Kanako and Haruka were in the Hinata Teahouse; the latter giving the former a little lecture about how raising the dead was bad for business. Finally, and certainly not least, the Inn's indestructible chick magnet of a ronin-kanrinin; Urashima Keitaro was mopping the floors.

"Man, I should really get a mop. Doing the floors with a piece of cloth is hard work" Keitaro complained. "Oh well, at least I'm not cleaning the springs, otherwise by now I'd be in orbit with all the girls going psycho and the-"

"Ara, hello Kei-kun." Otohime Mutsumi said, having just walked in on her way home from Toudai.

"Oh, Mutsumi-san. How have you been?"

"Ano, just fine thank you. I was out buying some watermelons when these were given to me…"

Keitaro looked at the stack of parchment that Mutsumi gave him. The pages were yellowed and had a red wax seal on the back. The seal was marked with a shield containing a badger, a lion, a crow and a snake.

"Well let's have a look shall we?" Keitaro remarked as he went to open the first of the letters, which was addressed to him.

"I hear talking, but I don't hear mopping" Naru yelled from her room, which Keitaro and Mutsumi were outside of.

"Sorry Mutsumi-san, I have work to do. Could you give these to everyone for me? Just leave mine on my desk please."

"Hai, Kei-kun." She said, as the ronin returned to his mopping.

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"Argh! Natural light burns my eyes!!" Murto remarked as he woke up. He opened his eyes to be greeted by none other than Mutsumi. "What can I do you for, Mutsumi-chan?"

"We got these letters today, here's yours." She said, giving Murto the letters and bowing.

"Ok, what have we got? Social security? Bills? The Mafia's death threats again?" he asked as he opened the letter. The moment he saw the seal on the back however he froze.

"What's wrong, Murto-san?"

"Hmm, I thought this day would come. It appears it would be time to make FanFiction history."

"Hippies. They're everywhere. So many hippies. OOOH!! Go the titties!!" Kitsune mumbled in her sleep. Mutsumi and Murto sweatdropped.

"OK EVERYONE, HOUSE MEETING!! CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS, 5 MINUTES!"

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5 Minutes Later…

"Ano, why are we here?" Shinobu asked.

"I wish to ask the same question, Murto" Motoko said.

"Keitaro, that better be a torch in your pocket." Naru warned.

"Just put up with the cupboard for now, it's my tribute to 'The Young Ones'." Murto replied.

"So why are we here? I have mopping to do" Keitaro asked.

"…and inventions to test." Su added.

"…and booze to drink." Kitsune added some more.

"…and cigarettes to-" Haruka attempted to add.

"OK WE GET THE IDEA!!" everyone else yelled.

"OK, we have all received identical yellowed parchment letters marked with a red wax seal on the back. There is no return address, but judging from the seal they are from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Except this one of course, which is in fact a letter bomb." He said calmly, opening the door and throwing the suspect letter out of harms way.

"Oops, my bad" Sarah said rather sheepishly.

"So that means, we are going to become witches and wizards?" Kanako asked, possibly imagining some grand master plan involving the extermination of one housemate, and the raping of another.

"Exactly" Murto concluded.

"But what about Toudai?" Keitaro, Naru and Mutsumi asked.

"What about it? We'll be at a school where they teach us to use magic powers!"

"Sounds fine to me!" Seta said.

"What are you doing here?" Everyone asked.

"Ok, seems this could go a while, lets speed up the plot." Murto said clicking his fingers.

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Several months and days later, at platform 9¾.

"Board! Board!"the stationmaster yelled. Indeed a piece of lumber fell from the sky and fell on some hapless bystanders.

"Told ya!" he finished, blowing his whistle a few more times.

"OW!! Stop pulling my hair, Keitaro!" Naru squealed in pain.

"It's not me, it's my owl." Keitaro, trying to untangle the birdcage from her hair.

"Oh dear." Haruka said shaking her head, adjusting her cloak.

The End…..for now.

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End Notes: There you go, the first chapter. I've already written the second chapter, but I'm gonna wait a week or so before I put it up on FanFiction.net. Read and Review please.

The meeting in the cupboard under the stairs is my tribute to the British comedy 'The Young Ones'


	2. The Challenge

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Title: Hinata goes to Hogwarts

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Chapter: #2 – The Challenge

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Author: Murto

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Legal Crap: Yeah, you know the drill. I'm saving up to afford Internet of my own so as if I can afford the rights to LH and HP.

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Pre-FanFic Notes: Ok, this particular chapter is in response to a challenge Andrew Joshua Talon laid down for me. I hope you are all pleased with the results, and I apologise if people don't really like the self-insert fic but both Talon and Myself are in this chapter.

If anyone wishes to see the terms of the challenge, you'll find them at the end of the chapter, or just click on the link to read the reviews - you'll find the list in there too.

I'm also trying for a new sort of style. After watching Azumanga Daioh over and over (thus becoming an avid fan) I now split each of my chapters into mini-chapter scene thingee's, each with their own sub-heading. This way each scene works as a stand alone skit but they still link together to make up the story as a whole, similar to Azumanga. It's also easier to pick the story up again if you get distracted or have to leave the computer mid-chapter.

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WARNING: I THINK I'M IN FOR A VERY, VERY LONG CHAPTER……..

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Chapter #2 – The Challenge

The Hogwarts Express…

It had been a rather quiet trip on the Hogwarts Express. Apart from Shinobu's Cat trying to kill Naru's Owl at one stage, the trip had been (until now that is) very uneventful. Murto was sitting in his compartment on the train along with Shinobu, Naru, Kanako and Keitaro. The other's (Kitsune, Seta, Su, Haruka, Motoko and Sarah etc.) were in the neighbouring carriage. It was obvious from the amount of Haruka's cigarette smoke pouring out of their window that Su and Sarah were causing quite an uproar, as did the occasional bump or explosion.

"My god, why do they have to be so noisy?" Naru complained.

"D-don't take it too hard, Naru-senpai. I'm sure they mean well…" Shinobu said meekly.

"Yeah, I'm sure Su meant well when her Mecha-tama went on a rampage and a robotic turtle civilisation tried to blow up the entire of the Hinata, along with the City." Keitaro replied sarcastically.

"Oh yeah? And this is coming from a person who gets beaten up on all of the time.." Naru said with an acid tongue.

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!"

Then the door to their compartment opened…

"Sweet nargle berries, look at this pathetic lot! I bet you they're all Mudbloods…" said an evil-looking teenage boy with platinum-blonde hair, flanked by two taller and more stout teenage boys.

"Oh, and who might you be…?" Naru said, her temper still hot from the previous argument.

"The name's Malfoy, Draco Malfoy. My family is all filthy stinking rich Dark wizards, of course not that the Ministry cares. My father is always down there, chillin' with his homies…"

"Really…." Kanako asked, stroking her chin.

"Yes, really. Just think yourself lucky, Japanese Mudblood, that your not yet in a school house other wise I would have taken off 10 points for your insolence." Malfoy said with a sneer.

Malfoy turned and started to walk out the door. Naru, whose temper had been slowly building the entire trip finally vented, charged at Malfoy and Naru-punched him down the length of the train. (See similar in Ep 1 of Love Hina)

"What a retard." Murto said, closing the door behind Naru. "I hope I don't end up in the same house as that Malfoy idiot.

"You called?" asked a strange-looking girl with glasses, holding a magazine upside-down.

"Hello" Murto said. "I'm Murto, this is Naru, Kanako, Shinobu and Keitaro. Who might you be?"

"I'm Luna Lovegood. I'm surprised to see so many Japanese people on the train this year. I was just reading _The Quibbler_ with my new friend, Mat-su-nee is it?"

"Yeah! It's just like that episode of Liddo-kun where Liddo-kun learnt magic and met this insane chick and they read porno mag's together then they got herpes and -SPLAT" Mutsumi yelled, though she could not be seen because she was in another compartment somewhere else on the train.

"NO! NOT LIKE THAT!" Naru yelled down the hallway.

"It appears she has a severe case of the Squigglers, and magical-disease that causes people to die then come back to life when they get over-excited. I better go…" Luna said, hurriedly leaving.

"Ok, that was……fascinating in a head-ache inducing kind of way." Keitaro muttered. No sooner did he finish his sentence than an interesting threesome of Hogwarts students in red-robes ran into the room.

"Hi, quick intro's. I'm Harry, this is Ron and Hermione. I'm a child prodigy, she's super-smart and Ron's, well, some other person who hangs around us…" Said Harry, wearing glasses and a scar (on his forehead).

"Hi, just read the script, you'll see our names there somewhere." Murto said.

"Oh yeah, so there is!" Ron said, reading a piece of parchment in awe. "Well, it says here that we have to explain that 'Luna isn't exactly with it, and that her nickname is 'Loony' Lovegood.'"

"GIMME THAT! She went that way." Murto said, taking back the parchment and then pointing down the hallway.

"Ok, bye." Harry said running out of the room with Hermione and Ron. Unfortunately enough for Harry though he missed the door and walked straight into the wall. "Umm, I meant to do that…"

"Hmm, interesting crowd" Kanako said.

"HONESTLY LOONY LOVEGOOD, IF YOU KEEP ON TALKING THAT BULLSHT I'LL RIP OFF YOUR CLOTHES AND THROW THEM IN A GAY BAR!!!"

"Pfft, I don't know how that's gonna work." Keitaro said.

"Shinobu, what's wrong?" Naru asked

Shinobu was curled up in a fetal position in the corner.

"Harry…….Potter…….so……..Kawaii!!" she mumbled, her eyes not focusing.

[Nb – Kawaii is Japanese for 'Cute']

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The Sorting…

Everyone was waiting outside of the Great Hall, getting ready for the rumoured 'Test' that determined what house you were to be allocated to.

"If it was a punching bag, I'm sure Naru'll get top marks…" Murto said, being a smartarse as usual.

"Ok f'rst years, you lot ready ter go in?" asked Hagrid, the grounds-keeper who has bushy, wild hair and stands 3 meters high.

"Yes" everyone mumbled in unison, clearly not very enthuiastically.

"Hagrid, ano…how come a lot of people's speech is spelt funny here? I'm not really good at English at school and…" Shinobu asked, trailing off.

"Tha's because alo' of us speak funny accents, like my sco'tish-y accent fer instance. Which reminds me; Murto, where's the funny spellin' fer yeh Aussie accent?"

"Oh, umm…yeah. About that…" Murto said, scratching the back of his head.

"I'll give yeh 24 hours. Also, Keitaro? Professor Snape wants ter see yeh after the Sorting."

Haruka raised an eyebrow, smoking her cigarette as usual.

"Oh, and 'er NO SMOKIN'!"

"Hai…" she said, flicking her cigarette off down the hallway somewhere. It hit an old tapestry, which caught on fire whilst screaming 'IT BURNS!! ARRGGHH!'

"AND NO FIRE'S!" Hagrid said, grabbing a fan and using it on Nearly-Headless Nick, who just happened to be floating by at the time. The wind pushed Nick through the burning tapestry, which extinguished the blaze.

The big doors to the Great Hall opened and the first years (though a considerable number stood 3 feet taller) walked in and lined up. The Sorting Hat was just finishing it's song (singing in a very grouchy voice too):

__

…and I say to myself,

What a wonderful world…

Everyone clapped, Fred and George Weasley were doing 'classic disco hits of the 70's" and had just finished _I will survive_, complete with correct octave.

"Oh my, I wonder how they managed to sing so high?" Mutsumi asked.

"Oh I did them a little favour…" Sarah said, holding a wooden mallet and a G-clamp vice.

"Motoko Aoyama" Professor McGonagall said.

Motoko sat down on the seat and placed the hat on her head. The hat barely touched her head and it yelled "YOWZA!! Sheiz, this one's got power the likes of which I've never seen. Must be….SLYTHERIN!!"

Motoko sat down at the Slytherin table, where she got wolf-whistled by a few fanboys including Malfoy, who no sooner mentioned him and her in the same sentence than had her blade pointing at his throat.

"Mitsune Konno" McGonagall yelled.

Kitsune put on the hat and almost immediately it started hiccuping and going red in the face.

"Is it supposed to be that red?" Kitsune asked.

McGonagall shrugged.

"Well, ash I was shayin', thish chick-a-dee hash gotsh the beshterest liver in existance. She's alsho got HUMONGO titties, unlike Motoko'sh which are like little orangutan titties….must be……GRIFFINDOR!!" The hat yelled.

Kitsune got up and sat down at the Griffindor table whilst Dumbledor and everyone else in the Hall sweatdropped.

The hat continued in this retarded fashion for ages:

Shinobu, Naru and Mutsumi all ended up in Slytherin with Motoko.

Sarah, Murto, Seta and Kanako were put in Hufflepuff.

Keitaro, Haruka and Talon were placed in Griffindor with Kitsune.

Kaolla Su was put into Ravenclaw by herself, as it was decided that it was probably for the best…

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The Journey…

"I'm late, I'm so terribly, terribly late!" Keitaro said, running as fast as he could to Snape's office.

Just as he turned a corner however, he ran right into two moving stacks of books. Hundreds of books went everywhere, most of which impaling the other students who were using the hallway at the time, the rest of the books were flying around like birds, exploding or trying to chew people's faces off.

"Ano, Gomen, Gomen-nasai…" Keitaro said, bowing over and over again in apology.

"It's Ok, don't worry." Hermione said reassuringly. Both Hermione and Seta, who were carrying the books were in the process of picking them up.

"I'd help, but I've got to go…" Keitaro said.

"That's Ok." Seta said.

Seta started picking up the books whilst Hermione pulled out her wand and used Stunning spells on the one's that grew legs and tried to run away. Her aim was bad however, as she quite often hit passing students, suits of armour or the odd portrait.

Keitaro continued down the hallway until he met Kitsune, who was crouching behind a statue of Beldarg the Flatulent.

"Shh," she said. "Watch this…"

Indeed just as poor Neville Longbottom reached the top of the stairs he was seized by a dozen Oompa Loompas, who jumped down from the rafters. They picked him up and carried him away whilst he was screaming "Please, honestly it wasn't me. I'll never eat that much chocolate again, I swear!!!"

"YEAH! WHO DA MAN!!" Kitsune said, dancing and moon-walking everywhere. "Lets see, 'Kitsune – 3, Peeves – 1'. Lets see you top that one!!"

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiigh………….t" Keitaro said, sweatdropping big time.

Finally, Keitaro reached Snape's office. Being the dipshit that he is, he just let himself in, revealing the strangest sight he'd ever seen.

Snape was sitting in his office with Kanako and Moaning Myrtle. On the table in front of them sat a floral tea-set, and the rest of the office was decorated with doilies and lace, complete with matching pink curtains.

"URASHIMA!!! THAT'S IT, 50 POINTS FROM GRIFFINDOR!" Snape yelled. With a flick of his wand his 'decorations' disappeared.

"Oh, right. Get rid of the decorations just because Moaning Myrtle is here! Let's all be mean to Moaning Myrtle because she's dead." Myrtle moaned, floating down through the floor.

"Professor, we shall discuss the Tupperware party later." Kanako said, leaving the room.

"That'll be 25 points from Hufflepuff for mentioning 'The gathering of plastic-container things' in front of other students." Snape whispered threateningly.

Kanako licked her finger and drew a line in mid-air. "Me - one, Snapey – Zero," she said as she left.

Snape whinced, it was quite evident that Kanako had pushed his temper to the limit.

"Ok, Urashima. I'm pissed off, so I'll just say it once. Though I highly disapprove, Dumbledore believes that your invulnerability could come in handy. Apparently you have been appointed as the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher." Snape said, clearly not happy with the message he's been forced to give.

"Arigatou, Thank you so much Professor." Keitaro said, grasping Snape's hand and bowing.

"But, however. Don't think that because you've become a part-time member of staff that I'm going to go easy on you in your Potions classes. If anything the insolence that your family dishes out should earn you all negative points."

"Still, thank you. By the way, why did you call it 'The gathering of plastic-container things'?".

"Because it doesn't sound as woosy."

"Ok, thank you." Keitaro said as he made his way out of the room.

"Oh and Urashima, 15 points from Griffindor."

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Classes…

"Who is the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher?"

"I'm not sure but rumour has it that it's that retard Keitaro!"

"Keitaro!? You've got to be shitting me?"

"Shh, here he comes…"

The whispers in the classroom died down as Keitaro Urashima walked into the classroom with a pile of textbooks in his arm.

"Moshi moshi, I'm Keitaro Urashima – the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher." He said, trying to sound as dignified and mature as he could. He was, after all, talking to a class of Hufflepuff and Griffindor 1st years. Most of the class were aged around 11-12, but this year Hogwarts admitted some mature-age foriegners.

"Yeah! Woo hoo!!! Thatsh riiiight. Aye aye Captain! ;s What ish we doing in today'sh classh…." Kitsune said before passing out. Her bottle of Sake rolled off the table and was caught by some mice. The mice took the bottle over to a mouse hole at full speed squeaking 'For the messiah, he will surely praise us!'. #

Everyone sweatdropped.

"Well, umm…I know you've passed out and all, but no alcohol in class. 5 points from Griffindor." Keitaro said, as he straightened his tie. "Anyway; as you all surely know rumour has it that this teaching position is cursed, but I assure you that this isn't the case."

30-something spears then fell from the roof, all of which narrowly missing Keitaro as he walked over to the blackboard.

"Argh! Alright, who threw that?"

"Oops, my bad." Sarah said sheepishly. "I was aiming for Ron Weasley, Professor."

"Hey! You lied to me! You said that I was in this class, I thought something was up." Ron Weasley complained, packing up his stuff.

"Oops, my bad." Sarah said again.

"Man, I'm in so much trouble…"

Keitaro waited until Ron had left the classroom, and then started again.

"Ok, so today's topic will-" he began, though cut off by none other than Andrew Joshua Talon, who suddenly burst into the room, panting heavily.

"Sor…ry I'm late Pro…fes…sor." Was what Talon managed to say between his desperate gasps for air.

"Anyway, as I was saying today's topic will be…" Keitaro continued, as he opened his teachers notebook. "The eradication and extermination of Tiger-demons."

Everyone gasped, Talon more-so because he was still exhausted.

"So," Keitaro continued. "Mr Talon, would you care to assist me in the demonstration?"

"W-W-WHAT!?" Talon yelled, clearly objecting to the request. "Why me? Why not someone else, like Seta…?"

"I like rice…" Seta said cheerfully.

"…or Kanako…?"

"MwahahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!" Kanako cackled.

"Well considering that you ARE a weretiger and that those two are clearly insane, I'd say you have no choice. In your own time, Mr Talon." Keitaro said, rather matter of factly.

"Oh all right." Talon said in defeat. In the blink of an eye he had turned into a tiger, it's green eyes staring at the class menacingly.

"Now class; first, you take out your wand..."

Everyone picked up their wand. Some students had novelty wands. Murto's was black with flames up the side, Seta's was pink with frilly bits and Haruka's was painted like a big cigarette.

"The words are _Catus Expellimarus_. Then you just flick with the wand, like this…" Keitaro explained, pulling out his own wand. With a flick of his wand he yelled '_Catus Expellimarus!_'.

Talon was promptly knocked back and sent flying through several desks, glass jars and watermelon stands. When he met the wall however we bounced off and continued the above process for about 5 minutes before finally coming to a halt.

"In the name of all that is holy (or truly sinister, wink wink) THAT FRICKIN' HURT!" Talon complained, obviously quite pissed off.

"Hmm, actually now that I think about it, the spell seems quite similar to Naru's punches." Keitaro said, checking a few of his reference books.

After a few seconds of perusal and jotting down of notes Keitaro finally put the books down and took off his glasses.

"Ok class, now you try…"

"Oh……my……g-" Was all that Talon said, before riding the Defence Against the Dark Arts Express.

# - This reference to the mice is acknowledging the mouse civilisation in the parody books "Barry Trotter". In the _Philosophers Scone_, Barry drops the scone and it is seized by a mouse who eats it. Quirrell dies, as does Nick Flamel. But the mouse then aquired the gift of immortality. Then, in all his super-intelligent splendour, tricks the other mice into believing that he is the messiah. The mouse civilisation then spends the rest of the books trying to take over the world.

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Play ball…

The crowd was huge at the first Quidditch match of the season, and amongst the huge sea of green, silver, red and gold were our hapless ex-Hinata residents scattered around in their house groups.

"Ok Lee, start the commentary now." McGonagall said.

"Yep, what's the word? Only kidding, _Sonorus_. WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE SEASON, SLYTHERIN VS GRIFFINDOR!!!!!!" Lee said, his voice magically amplified.

Madam Hooch carried the crate out to the middle of the field and waited for the players to arrive.

"OK, HERE'S SLYTHERIN!!! FIRST THE 3 CHASERS – BONES, NARUSEGAWA AND AOYAMA!!!!" The crowd went silent at the mention of Motoko and Naru's names. "THE BEATERS, CRABB AND GOYLE!, THE KEEPER – BLANE, FOLLOWED BY MALFOY WHO'S ON THE SEEKER POSITION!!!"

The Slytherin's went mad; Shinobu and Mutsumi were among them screaming "GO MOTOKO, GO!".

"NOW, PLAYING FOR GRIFFINDOR ARE JOHNSON, FINNIGAN AND TALON!!" Again, the crowd went silent. "THE WEASLEYS AS BEATERS, ANOTHER WEASLEY AS THE GOALIE AND YET ANOTHER WEASLEY AS THE SEEKER!"

"Stupid bitch" Harry Potter said, his tongue almost dripping with poison.

"What'ya say Harry?" Hermione asked.

"I mean, GO GINNY!! YEAH WOO!!" Harry said in a fake-sounding voice, almost completely drowned out by the cheering Griffindors.

Both teams' players got in formation around Madam Hooch.

"Ok, I want a nice, clean game," Madam Hooch said. "No hand-to-hand combat and NO SUICIDE BOMBING!!"

She blew the whistle as she kicked the crate, setting the Quaffle, Bludgers and the Golden Snitch free. Everyone kicked off, becoming green and red blurs zooming all around the field.

"GRIFFINDOR HAVE THE QUAFFLE!!! JOHNSON EASILY GOING STRAIGHT UP THE FIELD, BONES NARROWLY MISSES AN INTERCEPT, JOHNSON TO FINNIGAN, OOH! THAT BLUDGER WASN'T EXACTLY NICE TO HIS SKULL NOW WAS IT?" Lee yelled excitably.

Indeed Finnigan had been hit in the head by a Bludger that had been sent at him by Goyle. Finnigan dropped the Quaffle and Goyle motioned to Bones to go for the dropped Quaffle.

"WOW! LOOK AT THAT!!"

Talon appeared out of nowhere and in an impressive loop-the-loop caught the Quaffle. The opposing chasers Motoko and Naru where a bit away and slightly above him.

"How dare he?" Motoko yelled.

"What? Don't have a miscarriage!" Naru replied.

"He looked up my robes for a few seconds there, I swear!!!! YOU PERVERT!!!!"

"…AND OH MY GOD!! I'VE NEVER SEEN A JAPANESE PERSON RUN THAT FAST!!! Of course I'm neglecting those brave souls who tried to run from our nukes, but you can't blame them for trying!…."

"Lee, if your not going to commentate properly I'll relieve you of your duties…" Professor McGonagall warned.

"Ok Professor, no need to get bitchy. AN AMAZING 40M BOMB DIVE FROM AOYAMA!! LOOK AT HER GO!!"

"Shit" Talon said, narrowly missing a Bludger that Fred Weasley was aiming at Bones. "Hmm, maybe if I….pfft, why not?"

"WHAT THE….? WOW, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT!? IT APPEARS THAT TALON IS AN ANIMAGUS! LETS HOPE HE'S REGISTERED WITH THE MINISTRY OTHERWISE HE'S IN BIG TROUBLE!"

Indeed Talon used his weretiger capabilities to turn into a weretiger (oddly enough, what were you expecting? A Spanish Omlette?).

"Argh!! TIGER!!!" Neville Longbottom yelled, pulling out his wand and firing _Catus Expellimarus_ spells from the stand.

"NO!! BAD NEVILLE!! BAD BAD BAD!! DOWN…" Hermione yelled, hitting him with a rolled up copy of _The_ _Quibbler._

Though, as good as Talon's liked to think he was, it was getting pretty difficult to dodge Bludgers, Motoko's Bomb Dives, the other chasers and Neville's little blue bolts of spell all at once.

"Hang on," Murto said to Kanako. "If he transformed into a tiger, wouldn't he too heavy for the broom? I mean, tigers weight at least 400kg…"

"Oh yeah," Kanako replied. "HEY TALON!!! YOUR TOO HEAVY FOR YOUR BROOM!!!"

"Oh, so I am…" Talon said, and upon completion of the sentence fell 100m out of the air.

"Mine!!" Naru called as she caught the Quaffle.

"Die Tiger!" Neville screamed, continually pummeling Talon with _Catus Expellimarus _spells. As a result, Talon was randomly bouncing around the bottom of the arena, knocking over desks, glass jars and conveniently placed watermelon stands.

"So Kanako, how did you get Motoko and Naru to play Quidditch?" Murto asked.

"Well; in Naru's case she didn't want to be shown up by a stupid pervert weretiger, and in Motoko's case she just needed to vent some anger because she's in her period and is pissed off with me for some reason," Kanako said, rather matter of factly. "Sometimes I just don't understand my bitch…"

"I AM NOT YOUR BITCH!!" Motoko yelled from near the Griffindor hoops.

"SHUTTUP BITCH!" Kanako yelled. "Su, could you make the game more interesting for me please?"

"ROGER!! I'll use my Mecha-tama v4.27!!! QUANTUM THINGEE'S AWAY!!!" Su responded, pressing buttons on a remote she pulled out of nowhere.

Nothing happened.

"Umm…it didn't work did it? That's because muggle electrical devices don't work at Hogwarts, too much magic in the air." Hermione said smartly. "Honestly, it's all in _Hogwarts; A History_."

"Ok, in that case…" Kanako said, turning to Shinobu. "Shinobu, take out your wand, point it at Naru and say _Magnetis Homo Sapiens_.

"W-w-why, Kanako-senpai? I'll get in trouble." Shinobu replied, trying her hardest to say 'No'.

"I'll hook you up with Harry Potter…" Kanako offered.

Almost immediately Shinobu grabbed her wand and yelled _Magnetis Homo Sapiens_. A 2 blinding beams of yellow electricity blasted out the end of her wand. One connected nicely with Naru in mid-flight and the other hit the poor Remus Lupin, who was sitting in the stands chatting with Professor Dumbledore.

Suddenly, without warning both Naru and Lupin were drawn to each other by an powerful yet invisible force. Naru came off her broom and Lupin went flying out of the stands ("I'll see you later Mr Dumbledore, sir!") and both collided in mid-air, eventually falling to the stadium floor below. They were then hit by Talon, who was still on his desk, jar and fruit stand breaking spree.

"Ano…I didn't mean to." Shinobu said, just about to cry.

"What was that spell" Sarah asked.

"The Human Magnet spell. It'll stick two people together like a magnet, no matter where they are or how far apart they are. You can also use it on one person and an inanimate object." Kanako replied.

"B-b-but if you know so much about the spell, why didn't you do it yourself K-Kanako-senpai?" Shinobu asked.

"Pfft, I don't do my own dirty work!"

"…JOHNSON HAS THE QUAFFLE!!! HE'S CLOSING IN ON THE SLYTHERIN KEEPER BLANE. JOHNSON SHOOTS…"

"Special Technique: Get the hell outta my way - broom splitting sword!!!" Motoko screamed, as she rode her broom like a surfboard. With a swish of her sword she cut Johnson's broom in half and knocked the Quaffle out of his hand into hers.

"YEAH BABY!!! THAT'S MY BITCH!!! I'VE GOT A 50 GALLEON BET GOIN! IF YOU WIN YOU'LL GET SOME LOVIN' TONITE, MARK MY WORDS!"

"I…AM….NOT…YOUR…BITCH!!!!"

Motoko was on a roll; dodging, ducking and weaving in and around everything like a pro. She jumped onto George Weasley's broom and kicked him off too his doom, thus commandeering his Comet Two-Sixty. Then, after collecting a bit of speed she charged for the goal posts.

Ron Weasley was really worried now. After seeing three of his team-mates fall to their near deaths more sweat was collecting on his brow than on the underarms of a 490kg Albanian man who had just walked 10 meters.

"…AOYAMA GOES FOR THE LEFT HOOP, IT'S A DUMMY. SHE HITS WEASLEY WITH THE HANDLE OF THE AMAZING SWORD OF HERS!!! WOW!! NEVER SEEN A MAN GO DOWN LIKE _THAT_ BEFORE!!! SHE GRABS THE TOP OF THE HOOP, HER BROOM CONTINUING ON WITHOUT HER…"

"Shaq-u attack-u…." Motoko said serenely, just casually dropping the Quaffle through the hoop.

"…SHE SCORES!!!! SLYTHERIN LEADS 10 – 0!!"

Then the Slytherins started singing…

_Motoko is our queen_

In Silver and green

And if she's had her period

She'll cut open your spleen!!

"QUIET!!!!" Motoko yelled.

The entire crowd went 'Meep' and went deadly silent. After about 5 minutes of complete and utter silence (not counting Talons bangs and thuds, Naru and Lupin's arguing and the groaning of all the near dead Quidditch players) Ginny Weasley started a mediocre 50m dive. Malfoy started too, but was too late.

"Oh well, it's worth a shot…" Motoko said, throwing her katana.

"…GINNY HAS SEEN IT…"

Thud!! Ginny hit the ground and rolled for 30m. Motoko's sword missed Ginny by millimetres, and when she stopped rolling she was knelt over on the ground, clutching something golden in her hand.

"…GINNY HAS GOT THE SNITCH!! GRIFFINDOR WINS!!!! Again…"

The crowd went mad as usual. After all, no Harry Potter book would be complete without Griffindor winning.

"Good work Ginny!! Utterly brilliant!!" Talon said, running up to her covered head to foot in bandages. "What's wrong?"

"..in half. Snitch…cut…in…half…snitch…cut…in…half…" Ginny mumbled to herself, over and over again. She was clearly in a state of shock.

In Ginny's hand was the Snitch, cut neatly in two pieces.

"Oops, my bad." Motoko yelled from on top of the center goal post. "By the way, can I get down now please…?"

****

The End…of chapter 2 at least….

Post Fanfic notes: Oh…my…god. That was by far the longest chapter I've ever written. Oh well, I hope you all like. Read and Review.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

****

THE TERMS OF THIS A J TALON CHALLENGE I UNDERTOOK…

Murto... er... Murto! Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is thus!

0: Keitaro gets stuck teaching DADA. I show up in his class for a lesson on

subduing tiger demons. Naturally, things go straight to hell.

1: Naru MUST get stuck with Remus Lupin in an amusing way while they are at the

school (you could try for Remus/Naru, which is a rather intriguing idea, I must

admit)

2: Shinobu gets a crush on Harry Potter.

3: Kanako and Moaning Myrtle show up, having tea with Snape, at least once.

4: Peeves and Kitsune have a prankster's duel.

5a: Sarah has a fun time making Ron Weasly's life misrable.

5b: Luna Lovegood and Mutsumi become friends and start reading the Quibbler together.

6: Harry walks into a wall at least once.

7: Hermione and Seta make a huge mess with textbooks.

8: Motoko somehow joins the Slytherin Quidditch team (Kanako's help) and kicks

arse!

9: Haruka lights a tapestry on fire with her smoking.

10: Someone must say any of these phrases at least once:

"I'm going to rip off your clothes and throw them into a gay bar!"

"Is it supposed to be that red?"

"Quantum thingies away!"

"MOTOKO IS OUR QUEEN!"

"Sweet nargle berries!"

"I'd kiss you if you weren't a stinking Mudblood."

"Are you SURE you don't have a crush on Luna?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

****

Attention: TALON-KUN

There you go Talon, one challenge completed. I told you I'd take 12 hours, but I'm sorry. It took me 36 hours. Not solid writing of course, otherwise I'd be tired and video blind by now. I'll send you my challenge when I get around to thinking up some conditions.

Thank you, it was truly an honour to be sent a challenge from you and I had a great time writing it. I look forward to the next one.

L8er,

Murto

Naru: Murto, are you going to release us?

Murto: No, why?

Lupin: Well, it's gonna be full moon soon. And it appears that she's not very fond of were-anythings.

Murto: I'd go talk to Shinobu about that one, but you'll have a hard time getting her off Harry…

Naru and Lupin walk away ackwardly, still stuck to each other


	3. 3rd Movement

**Title**: Hinata goes to Hogwarts

**Chapter**: #3 – 3rd Movement

**Author:** Murto

**Legal Crap:** Yeah, you know the drill. I'm saving up to afford Internet of my own so as if I can afford the rights to LH and HP.

**Pre-FanFic Notes: **Ok, this chapter isn't a challenge.  So far only the second chapter is a challenge, though I certainly won't deny any more coming my way (nudge nudge, wink wink).  I apologise for my production speed, or lack thereof.  I'm about to enter the semester 1 exam period at uni, so unless I get some brilliant jolts of inspiration in the middle of a 10-hour piano practise session or in the middle of an essay about bullying in high schools, don't expect too much.  Ne?

I also apologise for the length and the incoherantness of that previous sentence.

I would also like to apologise for inventing the word 'incoherantness'. 

Also, in response to your reviews of the fic so far I thank you all very much.  I'm glad that you are all taking a liking to it.  But however, would it be too much to ask for a review more helpful than "Blahahahahaha"?  No offense, but really but it would help if you all didn't provide such vague criticism.  Thank you. 

Ara, where was I again? Oh yeah.  Ikemasu…

.

**Chapter #3 – 3rd Movement**

**My my, we _are_ in trouble……..**

Dolores Umbridge, the Hogwarts High Inquisitor, was in her staffroom.  She sat at her desk, staring down the red-faced (probably drunk), sandy-haired Japanese woman whilst tapping her quill repeatedly on the parchment in front of her.  What had brought this student to…commit such truly despicably evil doings was completely beyond her.  It was obvious that such a student only thought of herself and would only make the Weasley twins' trouble-making record look like a needle in a haystack.  That is, if your comparing the Weasley's work with the mischief of a certain……umm…how do you say her name again?  'Doesn't matter' Umbridge thought.

Umbridge cleared her throat.

"_Hem hem.  _Ms….Mitsune Konno, is it?  I was wondering if you could explain your actions."  Professor Umbridge began. 

Kitsune sat across from Umbridge, grinning happily.  It was easy to see that she didn't care what the professor said.  One of her schemes had come off almost perfectly, that is if you don't count the fact that Umbridge caught her. 

"Well?"

Kitsune remained silent.  Umbridge could tell by the strain in Kitsune's facial muscles that she was trying really hard not to break out in a fit of laughter.  Either that or Kitsune was constipated.  The intensity of the professor's stare was just too much to bare however, and Kitsune gave in. 

"Bwahahahahahahahaaaa!" Kitsune laughed, rolling around on the floor. 

"THAT'S ENOUGH!!!"

"Ok, hahahaha.  Ok, I admit it.  I did it.  But it was worth it!!" Kitsune confessed. 

"Thank you, Ms Konno.  Now, I didn't see all of what you did so would you mind telling me, from the beginning?"

Kitsune sat still for a moment, lost in thought. 

"Well…you see first I was kinda hanging around the hallway and…"

"_Hem hem._"

"…well, I came across Neville."

"And?"

"He sort of fell down the stairs."

"Is that all?" Umbridge questioned.  She did not fully believe everything she was hearing, afterall it _was_ Kitsune telling the story. 

"Yeah, but he sort of got pushed down really.  I was in potions with the Slytherins.  Pansy Parkinson accidentally drank some of the 'I can't believe it's not Sake" potion I was making."

"Then what happened, Ms Konno?"

"Well she sort of knocked over Kanako's 'Random Headbutting' Potion, spilling it all over Neville.  When Neville opened his eyes I just pointed him in the direction of Crabbe and Goyle, who were just entering the classroom."

"And they pushed him?"

"Only after Neville headbutted them a few dozen times each, yeah."

"Well," Umbridge asked, still not entirely convinced.  "How do the 3rd degree burns come into it then?"

"I s'pose when he landed in the fireplace at the bottom of the stairs.  He got out though…"

"_And…_"

"Well, he had a run-in with Mad Eye Moody #.  He thought Neville was trying to kill him, so he used the 'Nasty Wedgie' curse on poor Neville."

Umbridge was now in a state of mild shock. 

"Why thank you very much Ms Konno.  I-" Umbridge said, interrupted by Kitsune.

"Then Peeves snuck up behind Neville with the Vaseline, Banana and Duct Tape…"

"ENOUGH KONNO!!!"

"…you should have heard him squeal!! He should really look at a singing career, he-"

"I SAID ENOUGH!!"

"…or maybe as a proctologist, he's certainly got the experience now…"

Umbridge sighed, and handed Kitsune a bottle of Sake.  "Here, take this."

Kitsune grinned and left the staffroom.

"Operation: Get Sake – Complete!"

# - By including Mad Eye Moody, I mean the real one.  Not the fake one.  What he was doing at Hogwarts is unclear though, maybe visiting Dumbledore?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Food for thought 

Urashima Keitaro was walking down the 3rd floor hallway towards his History of Magic class, dreading the boring lecture that awaited him in Professor Binns' class.  As he was walking however he came across a painting of a bowl of fruit.  Unlike the other paintings in the castle, Keitaro thought it strange that it wasn't moving or anything.  Being as dumb as he is curious as he is clumsy, he prodded the fruit in the hopes of getting them to move or do something.

Upon stroking the pear, it giggled and slid open to reveal a huge set of kitchens.  However the kitchen wasn't populated by house-elves as it had used to be.  Instead running around the kitchen were hundreds of Chibi-Shinobu's. 

"Oh!  Umm…H-h-hi Urashima-senpai"

"Urashima-senpai! I've made you some food!"

"Ano….umm…Urashima-senpai, you see…"

Keitaro was frozen in horror.  He had thought, at least until now, that cloning had been outlawed in the majority of nations.  Stuffing his nose full of tissue-paper that the nearest Shinobu handed him, he ran out at full speed hoping to tend to his nosebleed properly back in Gryffindoor Tower. 

"Oh well," he said.  "That would explain a lot…"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Oh how boring those classes can be 

Professor Binns had to be the single most boring teacher ever to set foot in Hogwarts.  As if the History of Magic wasn't boring enough, let alone some long dead ghost being out the front lecturing in the most dreary, boring and monotonal way possible.  He was teaching a class of first year Griffindoors, Slytherins and Hufflepuffs, who were trying to make the most of the boring class. 

Murto was one such student, and had always had a record of trying to make boring university (or History of Magic) classes more interesting.  However there was always a limit to what one can do before attracting attention and/or getting in trouble. 

"Where is Kaolla Su when you need her?" Kanako Urashima asked Murto, who just happened to be seated next to her. 

"I don't know, but it would certainly increase morale." Murto replied, indicating to a few psychologically damaged students. 

The first was stabbing a knife into the desk between his fingers, the second was working her way through a bottle of Firewhiskey and the third was stroking a gun muttering 'I am the angle of death, the time of purification is at hand'. 

"Then in 1245, the battle of Tul Kaack began between the Goblins and the Hippogriffs……" Professor Binns continued.

All of the ex-Hinata residents continued to ignore the professor, along with the rest of the class.  Instead everyone was watching Haruka, who was rocking back on her chair; asleep.  Sarah McDougal was taking bets as to how long she'd last.  Indeed, in the middle of a rather impressive snore some ash fell off her cigarette and set her apron on fire (why she was wearing it over her robes who knows).  Amidst the confusion she woke up too quickly, falling off the chair. 

"…and then the trolls- oh?  Ms. Urashima, am I boring you?" Professor Binns asked.

"Ite ite ite….huh? Oh no, I think one of the Slytherins slipped me a sleeping draught again."  She replied, getting numerous glares from the Slytherins in the room.  

"Oh, ok.  So then the trolls-"

"Ooh, nice save!!" Kitsune mouthed to her. 

Haruka licked her finger and drew a line in the air so as to indicate 'Me one, Binns Zero'. 

"Quiet please, this is very interesting!" Seta asked, politely as usual. 

"Yeah, only an archaeology freak would say that…" Naru muttered.

"Pardon?"

"I said, 'What about the technology the Goblins gave the bats?' "

"I don't know," Seta replied abashedly, pausing for a moment to think.  "I think that's in chapter 5 somewhere…"

"That was rather brilliantly executed if I do say so myself…" Keitaro commented.    
  
"Why thank you Keitaro." Naru replied with thanks, a blush almost coming to her cheeks (NOT THOSE CHEEKS YOU PERVERTED READERS, jeez I dunno). 

"Ara! I have an idea lets play a lecture game!" Mutsumi suggested.  "Anyone up for a game of 'Penis'?"

Everyone sweatdropped. 

"Ara, don't look at me like that.  We all take turns saying 'Penis'.  Each time you say it, it has to be louder than the person before you.  The person to say it the loudest before the lecturer notices wins!"

"Ok," Talon said, leaning over from the seat behind.  "Penis"

"Penis" Kitsune added.

"Penis" Murto continued.

"Penis" Kanako added.

"Pe-" Haruka started

"_Silencio_" Talon said, with a wave of his wand."

"Ooh, looks like your out Haruka.  Next?" Kanako said sarcastically, receiving a death glare from Haruka. 

"Not playing, I'm taking notes," Keitaro said.

"Me neither," Seta replied.  "I'm still trying to find the Goblin/Bat technology trade links in Chapter 5."

"Ara ara. Oh my, Penis" Mutsumi added, passing out right afterwards. 

"Foolish, but I shall join in.  Penis" Motoko said, blushing. 

"Pe-" Sarah started.

"Don't you dare make a child say such perverted things," Naru complained, punching Talon out of the window.  Strangely enough Professor Binns didn't notice.  Talon could be heard yelling 'Why me?' as he flew off into the distance. 

"Ok, where were we?  Oh yes, Penis" Naru said almost loud enough for the entire room to hear. 

"Ano….I don't think this is right." Shinobu objected shyly.

"Oh your no fun.  So tell me, what do you like best about Harry?" Murto asked slyly.

"Umm…" Shinobu said, deep in though.

"_Sonorus_" Kitsune muttered, waving her wand. 

"…PENIS!!!"

Professor Binns turned around and had quiet obviously heard what was said.

"My word, Ms Maehara.  Go to Dumbledore's office RIGHT NOW!!!" Binns shouted, accidentally gliding into the wall for a second before he corrected himself. 

"Me – 5, Peeves – 0" Kitsune said, jotting down the score in her notebook. 

**Post FanFic Notes:**  There you go! Another hopefully hilarious chapter.  By the time I finished this chapter I had finished exams as well, so expect numerous and regular updates for the next months. 

COMING SOON 

More chapters in 'Hinata Hogwarts', maybe even another Quidditch match!

More chapters in 'Ara ara', my Love Hina random skits fic 

The last 2 chapters and epilogue of 'Love vs Hina', my capture the flag Love Hina fic

A Final Fantasy 8 / Harry Potter crossover

Possibly a first attempt at a Final Fantasy 8 fic

Possibly a first attempt at a Nadesico fic

Possibly a first attempt at a Full Metal Panic fic

Possibly a first attempt at a Azumanga Daioh fic

Possibly a first attempt at a hardcore Harry Potter fic (no crossovers)

Shinobu: Crying I'm sorry Dumbledore-sensei, I'm really sorry.

Dumbledore: Smiling No need to cry nor be afraid! Tell me, why are you here?

Shinobu: Still sobbing heavily I-I yelled 'Penis' in class.

Dumbledore: Sweatdrop


	4. I wrote this whilst bored on prac

**Title: **Hinata goes to Hogwarts

**Chapter: **#4 - I wrote this whilst bored on prac...

**Author: **Murto (who needs more pineapple fritters)

**Pre-fic Notes**: Hey dudes, I'm really sorry about the late update. I know it's been an entire uni semester since I updated but I've been busy. Anyway, in about 2 weeks time I'll be finished uni for the year, meaning I have 3 and a half months of holidays to write fanfiction. So please bear with me as I _try _to make updates more regular.

**READ-REVIEW-FLAME!!**

**Legal Crap:** I dont own the rights to Love Hina, otherwise I wouldnt be studying Music at an Australian University would I?

**Other Stuff: **Also, I should give credit to the british comedy series Red Dwarf which I also dont own. I borrowed and adapted some material from this show, namely the sketch Got Milk??? and the alcohol ones are also slightly based on Red Dwarf stuff too. I apologise, but I was really writers blocked at the time, besides they're good gags and I just couldn't resist.

Secondly, I would like to give credit to Andrew Joshua Talon, the well-respected FanFic author who took his time and creativity to send me a few skits to add to my chapter - namely the Ginny/Talon Sniffing sketch and the Library sketch. Thanks dude.

Now that I've got over my writers block I'll start being more original now, expect to see some updates of my fics over the next few weeks....

And by the way.....

**1-2-3, Email me! 1-2-4, Email me more!**

The formatting for this fic is different from my norm because I dont have Office installed, so:

**Bold **text equals headings, subheadings and stuff

_Bracketed Italics_ text indicates non-spoken dialogue (like actions and stuff)

**_Bold Italics_** are the thingee's I use as seperators.

_**VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV**_

**What she dont know, cant hurt her........**

Keitaro: _(Pleading_) Aww, comeon

Harry: (_Sternly)_ No...

Keitaro: Please?

Harry: No!! It was my fathers!

Keitaro: Pretty plase?! _(On his knees, groveling)_

_Urashima Keitaro and Harry Potter were in the middle of a 3 hour debate in the Gryffindoor common room. Unfortunately enough for Keitaro however it seemed like it was going nowhere fast. _

Keitaro: Talon-kun, help me out here.....

Talon: (_Wand out, poking out his tongue in concentration_) Sorry, cant help you. I'm trying to put enough anti-magic shielding around this laptop so I can get it working...

Keitaro: Ginny?

Ginny: Not interested, busy watching Talon work on this....enchanted....table.....thingee....

Talon: Laptop, its called a Laptop....

Ginny: Whatever. 5 Galleons says that you'll need Hermione to fix it for you.....

Talon: Your on, you wench!!

(_Ginny and Talon continuing arguing in the background_)

Harry: Its no use trying to get help, your not borrowing my father's invisibility cloak.

Keitaro: But i want to use it to sneak into the Slytherin common room so I can find out more about Naru.........

Talon: What? So you can get with her? No way, I wont permit it....

Ginny: Who's Naru?

Harry: For the last time, NO!!!

Keitaro: (_In a sing-songy voice_) But I have information on someone who has a major crush on you.......

Harry: (_Suddenly really excited_) Well well well, why didnt you say so. Lets start talking numbers and details shall we?....

(_Harry walks out with his arm over Keitaro's shoulder, sleazy car salesman style_)

Talon: Oh god.....

Ginny: (_Hits him with a rolled-up copy of The Quibbler_) Hurry, up, or thats 5 Galleons you owe me!!!

_**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**_

**THE DEMON DRINK**

Motoko: ...You know, you really shouldn't have ratted. If you ask me going to the professors about this was a bit too much.

Naru: But what goes around comes around, and I've had it up to HERE with the pranksters in this castle...

Motoko: It's not that bad...

Naru: Yeah it is. First there's Peeves, who just makes life a living hell. Then Kitsune is.....well........Kitsune. And of course the Weasley Twins incarnate are a complete pain in the.....

Motoko: Ok ok, I get your point.

Naru: Ok, here's the portrait. Your turn for the password...

(_Motoko said the password - "Now the ladies of the harem of the court of King Caracticus, were just passing by!". Finally relieved that they'd finished classes for the day, they sat down in the Slytherin common room and put their feet up, relaxing in front of the fire...)_

Naru: Ahh, so relaxing...

Motoko: (_Holding up a chessboard_) You up for a game of Wizard's Chess?

Naru: Yeah, sure. Why not?

Motoko: Hey, whats this? _(pulling a folded piece of paper from the underneath of the board)_

Naru: What's it say? I bet you its something from that pervert!!

"_As a token of my gratitude, I stole Crabb's illegal stash of Firewhiskey and hid it in your shared bathroom. On top of that, Slytherin _

_house is due for an inspection in 5 minutes. I laugh as I write this because I can imagine the morbid panic gripping your soul. _

_-From_

_A Prankster..._

Naru: You reckon it's serious?

(_Snape's voice is then heard echoing around the room, being magically amplified by the Sonorus spell)_

Snape: Inspection of the dorms is about to commence, No-one is permitted to leave until after inspection.

Naru: .......... Motoko-chan, you think he's serious?

Motoko: (_from their bathroom)_ They're serious!!!

Naru: The PERVERTS!!! I'm gonna make sure I get them for entering our bathroom, just you wait...

Motoko: So what do we do?

Naru: _(Thinking_) Umm, down the sink?

(_They both urgently grab the nearest bottle each of the four, it isnt long however before the drain gets clogged_)

Naru: Not now!! Myrtle, is that you down there?

Myrtle: _(Hiccup) _Yeash, ooh boy ish it clogged. Clogged clogged clogged. Here I is, sitting in the U-bend, thinking about death when the GOOD OLD Firewhiskey just appears ou-......It's soooooooo fhie... I outta_- (Snoring)_

Motoko: The hell? How'd she get drunk, she's a ghost?

Naru: Dont ask me, but we've still got 2 bottles left...

Motoko: Oh by the Kami.....

Naru: What do we do?

Motoko: (_Hesitates, the gulps)_ W-we drink it.....

Naru: Are you serious?

Motoko: It'll put hair on your chest.....

Naru: You've already got hair on your chest.

Motoko: (_Drawing katana)_ NANI?!?!?!?

Naru: (_Face-fault_) It'll put hairs on your lips. It'll put hairs on.....your hairs. That stuff is at least 90 proof!!

Motoko: J-just get it down ya! (_takes a bottle_)

Naru: (_takes other bottle_) Ok, on 3...

(_Both pause for a second, then start gasping for air after swallowing a mouthful of the firewhiskey_)

Motoko: (_Raspy voice_) S-s-s-smooth!

Naru: OH GOD!!! IT BURNS!!!!

Motoko: Argh! I'd rather drink petrol!

_**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**_

**Oh god, its him!! - No, NO, NOOOOOO!!!!!!**

???: Gather around everyone, dont be shy. Can you all hear me? Can you all......see me?

_(Pause and sweatdrop from class)_

???: Excellent. Carry on, Professor Snape.

Snape: Thank you, Mr Gildery Lockhart. It appears that your memories, and your delusions of grandeur are slowly returning. However you should still be locked up in St Mungo's.

(_3 Aurors appear out of nowhere, tying Lockhart up with magical ropes from their wands and disapparate with the pompus git_)

Snape: _Barely above a whisper_ Now class, it appears that Dumbledore has requested that we start the duelling club up again. Hence, why we are all here.

(_The mixed Gryffindors, Slytherins, Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws all muttered excitably_)

Snape: Now, I will pick 2 competitors at random. LONGBOTTOM!!! You suck and therefore, need practice - GET UP HERE!

(_Neville clumsily clambers up onto the platform and stands nervously at one end)_

Snape: And now, how about someone _new....._ Mitsune Konno!

(_Putting her bottle of Sake down, Kitsune adjusts her robes and steps up onto the duelling platform_)

Kitsune: Aww shucks. I was hoping I'd get to fight Keitaro, I'd be able to blackmail my way through it then....

Snape: Ok, when your ready....GO!

(_Neville whipped out his wand and started off yelling Stupify. Kitsune squealed, narrowly dodging the bolt of energy. Determined not to let him get the better of her however, she quickly retaliated with the same spell. It hit him in the foot, but didn't have much of an affect_.)

Neville: Blimey! That was a close one, you almost got me in t--OH MY GOD!! WHERE'S MY SHOE!!!

(_Indeed, Mr Longbottom's shoe was missing completely - the bottom of his robes burnt slightly_)

Kitsune: _Summeniuo Catus_!!

(_Suddenly, a large cat thing appeared on the platform snarling and baring it's large teeth at Neville - who was showing signs of anxiety)_

(_Then he snapped-)_

Neville: ARGH! TIGER-DEMON!!! _Catus Expellimarus!!!!_ (_Fires and hits the cat, sending it flying through many conveniently placed desks, glass jars and watermelon stands_)

Kitsune: HEY! What are you doing to my pussy!!!

Neville: Nothing suss I swear!!

Kitsune: Whatever, just prepare yourself!!

(_Kitsune flicked her wand preparing a hallucination charm of some sort. Surprisingly however Neville, being the quickdraw that he sometimes was in duels managed to pull a _Petrificus Totalus_ out of nowhere with amazing speed_)

(_Kitsune however pulled out a hand mirror and sent it right back at him - a direct hit. However the effectiveness of the spell is somewhat reduced because of slight imperfections in the mirror_.)

Neville: Great, now I cant move. Just fantastic.

Kitsune: (_Holding up a chocolate bar_) It gets worse.....

Neville: Oh no...no no no! Not now!

Kitsune: Oh yes!! Oh yes indeedy!!!

(_Kitsune shoved the chocolate bar into Neville's gob. No sooner did she do that than a dozen Oompa-Loompa's jump down from the rafters, pick Neville up and take him away amidst his screams of 'No! Not me again, anything but the banana!!')_

Kitsune: (_Sculls her bottle of Sake)_ And I win!! (_Passes out_)

Snape: Brilliant work, however for the use of Alcohol on the premises - 5 points from Gryffindor!

_**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**_

**Understanding the significant others......**

Meanwhile, in the Hogwarts library...

"C'mon, Harry! You've only been able to lock onto a few memories of mine with any success! You've got to try harder!"

"Hermione, can we take a break? I mean, we've been working for six hours..."

"Harry, _you're_ the one who wanted to study Legimency, so you could do it yourself."

"I know, I know... I was just thinking about you, to be honest. You've got circles under your eyes..."

"Harry..."

"Yes, Hermione?"

"You... You just noticed that my eyes have circles under them."

"Uh... Yeah... Should I not have?" Hermione moved closer to Harry, while the Boy Who Lived fidgeted slightly.

"What else is different about me?"

"Um... Well... Your hair's in a ponytail... That's a nice style, by the way, according to my aunt, but anyway..."

"Yes? Go on..."

"Um... You're taller than last year? And you have a few freckles on your nose that you didn't have before..."

"Before what?"

"Um... Yesterday?" Harry was clearly unable to see why all of this was significant to Hermione in any way, while Hermione was secretly delighted that her best friend of six years was finally becoming more attentive to her.

"Well... Thank you, Harry."

"Uh... For what?" Hermione couldn't help it, but she kissed Harry on the cheek with a smile, to which Harry blushed.

"For showing you're not a complete git," Hermione grinned, turning and heading out of the library. Harry blinked at that, before shaking his head and sighing, turning around.

"Oof!" Harry had run into someone. A someone who was now lying on the floor before him, shaking slightly.

"Shinobu? You okay?" Harry asked, stooping to help the lithe Slytherin to her feet. Shinobu, for her part, blushed profusely at being helped up by Harry, but resolutely stuck to why she was here.

"Er... H-Harry? I was... I was wondering if... Next Hogsmeade weekend... If you'd... L-Like to go with me... T-To, um... H-Hogsmeade?" Harry blinked, at the blue-haired, red-faced girl. Though he had only given her a few smiles, and she a few smiles back, when they were in class together, he hadn't expected that she'd... Well... 'Fancied him'. Still...

"Um... S-Sure! I'd love to go with you," Harry responded, smiling comfortingly to Shinobu. For her part, the Japanese girl smiled broadly back, before hugging Harry with a squeal and heading off out of the library, leaving Harry somewhat confused.

"... Women..."

_**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**_

**Unusual Pairings, they're soooo unfair......**

In the Gryffindor common room, Ginny Weasly was typing on a laptop computer upon one of the numerous tables, while Andrew J. Talon sat acorss from her, trying to swat a fly with his tail.

"You know... I've read all these fanfictions, on this tabletop Hermione charmed to work on the Hogwart's grounds-"

"Laptop. It's called a laptop."

_SWAT!_

"Hah! Got him!"

"Whatever... And it's kind of odd."

"You'll have to be more specific, Ginny."

"Well... Look here! These writers put me with Harry, mostly..."

"And is that so wrong?" Talon asked, grinning at Ginny, who blushed.

"N-No! No! I mean... Okay... I still have this... these _feelings_ for him... But that's not what I was going to mention."

"Oh? What then?"

"Why do so many authors put me with... _Riddle_?" Ginny shuddered, as the weretiger tilted his head thoughtfully.

"Hm... Good question..."

"I... I mean... All right. I admit it, I was _attracted_ to him... Really, but, but look! Look here! They have me being You-Know-Who's _wife_, for Merlin's sake!"

"I take it you're not too thrilled about them having you... er..."

"Have demented, sadistic sex with him, carry his child, and help him _kill _Harry? Gee, what was your first guess?"

"Probably your angry blush... There's a distinct difference between your 'Oh-God-I've-been-caught-snogging-by-my-brother' blush, and your 'I-am-Virginia-Weasly-hear-me-roar' blush," Talon noted, grinning toothily at the fourth year. Ginny sighed, and rolled her eyes.

"It's strange... Talon, you've only been here a few weeks... But you read me like a book."

"Well, though I _do_ get strange looks when I go outside, being cursed like this does have it's advantages," Talon mused, scratching his chin thoughtfully.

"Do you have... Legimency abilities? Like a Boggart?"

"Nothing so powerful... But my sense of smell is good enough to detect and analyze subtle but telling scents from everyone around me. It lets me get a better understanding of them, as it's difficult to hide what you feel from an acute nose."

"Oh? So, what can you tell about me? From one whiff."

"(sniff) You're approaching your period, within the next week. You had beef for your last meal. When I mention the words '_broomstick'_ and '_Harry'_ your heart beats a little faster-"

"Hey! No fair using hearing!"

"Sheesh... You're in excellent health, though you could stand a little more iron in your diet, you've flown outside on a broom, you've talked to Harry and Ron, petted Crookshanks, studied with Luna, and snogged with Dean-all within the last four hours."

"..."

"Am I good, or what?"

"Bloody hell... Hey! Get a whiff of Keitaro, over there at the chess table. What's he done lately?"

"(sniff) Interesting... If I didn't know better, I'd say he'd made out with... (sniff) ... Oh. My. God."

"What? Who? C'mon, tell me..."

"No. I won't. Because, to be honest, it's making me sick just thinking about it..."

"Was it a... guy?"

"No! Heavens no!"

"Then who was it?"

"Not telling..."

"C'mon..."

"Nope."

"Do it! Don't make me hex you!"

"As if you could..."

"Try me!"

"Nyah!"

"_Expello!"_

"HA! Missed! Man, are you a lousy shot or what-"

"_Tallentalegra!"_

"CRAP! NO! STOP IT, STOP IT! I DON'T HAVE MY WAND! GINNY, YOU WENCH!"

"Hahahahaha! Oh god, you'd be lovely on Broadway!"

"Shut up!"

_**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**_

**GOT MILK???**

_Shinobu, Harry, Su and Colin (the little photographer dude) were all sitting around a table at the pub in Hogsmeade. They were all having a great time, talking )or in Shinobu's case - blushing) it up all afternoon. _

Harry: ....so there I was, dazed from almost being killed by thats stupid bludger when Gilderoy Lockhart shows up.

Shinobu: A-and then what hapened?

Harry: What happened?! I'll tell you what happened!! He walks up saying he knows a bone-mending charm that'lll fix up my broken wrist right away....

Colin: It was FANTASTIC!! Oh, I've got some great shots for you to see! (_Spreads out a million photo's of Harry waving around a floppy, boneless arm_)

Su: (_Eating bananas with her feet)_ I once made an invention that did that! No wonder I couldn't patent it....

Shinobu: (_Sweatdrop_) I dont think it was that, I think it was the fact that it was a sledgehammer on a hinge with a slot saying "Insert Limb Here"

Su: Haitani and Murto fell for it though....

Shinobu: (_Bigger Sweatdrop_) That's 'cuz Sarah disguised it as a beer fridge...

Harry: (_Getting up_) ....on the subject, who wants another Butterbeer?

Colin: Me!!!

Su: (_Still eating banana's_) Me too!

Shinobu: (_Drinking a glass of milk_) Sorry, I'm allergic

Colin: You sure?

Shinobu: Yes, I'm quite happy drinking cow's milk anyway....

Hermione: (_Calling out from the next table, sitting with Luna_) Cows milk? They ran outta that yonks ago...

Shinobu (_Getting worried_) What about goats milk?

Harry: (_Sitting down, handing Butterbeer out to everyone else_) Nah, its not goats milk either. The pub's milking goat died last week. Fred and George gave it one of their No-more-gaps Toffee's - it suffocated.

Shinobu: Ano....Ms Barlady-person, what type of milk is this?

Barlady: Its our emergency backup supply, we're on the dog's milk.

Shinobu: (_Face-fault) _Is that legal?

Colin: (_Takes a photo_)

Hermione: Dont worry, its full of Vitamins. Full of Minerals. Full of marrowbone jelly......

Shinobu: (_Face-fault, staring at Hermione in horror)_

Hermione: Dont look at me like that. Besides, we learnt about dogs milk in potions with you Slytherins the other day.

Colin: Yeah, and my mum needed to use some once to overcome a nasty bout of explosive hiccups. It still didn't stop her from blowing up the living room though.....

Shinobu: (_Face-fault, still staring at Hermione in Horror_)

Harry: Anyway, its great because it tastes the same when it's off as it does when its fresh....

Hermione: ....and it lasts longer than any other type of milk too....

Shinobu: M-m-may I ask why?

Harry: 'Cuz no bugger will drink it?

Shinobu: (_Mega sweatdrop and face-fault_)

(_Sirius walks in, looking exausted_)

Sirius: There you go Ms Barlady-person...

Barlady: (_Hands him 11 Galleons_) You know, a little bit more and you would have got 12 galleons.....

Sirius: Yeah, but thats about as much lactating I can handle for today....

Shinobu: (_Faints, then pukes in her sleep_)

Colin: (_Takes a photo_) WOW! What a scoop!

_**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**_

**Super Suck**

_Severus Snape - the greasy, intimidating and seemingly pure evil leader of Slytherin House walked up to the Slytherin portrait..._

Portriat: Password...

Snape: "And the fascinating witches who put the scintillating stiches on the britches of the boys who put the powder on the noses of the faces of the ladies of the harem of the court of king caracticus, were just passing by..."

Portrait: Enter.... (_swings open_)

(_Snape walks in and spies Motoko and Naru sitting by themselves quietly and motionless in their room, leaning heavily on the table and the half-finished bottles_)

Snape: (_Staring them down_) On your feet.

Motoko: (_Twitches)_

Naru: (_Blinks_)

Snape: Comeon, quickly.

Motoko: Ugh...

Naru: Muh...

Snape: (_Getting Annoyed_) Stand by your bunks...

(_Motoko and Naru slowly manage to get upright with the aid of the table, then leaning on each other in a desperate bid not to fall over they make their way over to their bunks_.)

Snape: (_Walks over and sniffs the contents of one of the bottles_) Your drunk...

Naru: Me sir? (_Shaking her head_) No

Motoko: N-no shir, absholututely n-not. N-not at-tall, n-no. _Falls over and passes out_

Naru: (_leaning on Snape's shoulder, pointing and laughing loudly_) Heh heh heh, that's funny. (_Falls asleep whilst still leaning on his shoulder, snoring loudly)_

Snape: (_Sigh_) Madam Pomfery, we'll need 2 stomach pumps. Super suck.....

**THE END.......FOR NOW!!**

_**VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV**_

**Post Fic Notes:** Well there you go, yet another chapter to add to the collection. Again I apologise if it took too long to update (ie. an entire semester) but I wanted to ensure that the quality of this chapter was acceptable enough to meet the standards you guys all deserve so much! Thanks again, and READ-REVIEW-FLAME!!! Go skitz....

Also, keep an eye out for my challenge I sent to Andrew Joshua Talon. I challenged him to start his own Harry Potter/Love Hina fic, compare and contrast!!! And on top of that, I would like to thank AJ Talon again for his submissions - namely the skits entitled "**Unusual Pairings, they're soooo unfair......" **and "**Understanding the significant others......". **

I am quite happy to include anything you guys want to send me, either skits - a chapter or even a challenge. Go ahead, make my day - seriously!!

L8er,

Murto

_**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**_

Naru: So what, am I not worthy of a decent entry into this chapter?

Murto: What, dont blame me!!

Lupin: And what about the continuity errors, arent Naru and I still meant to be stuck together from Chapter 2?

Murto: Ah details, details......

Motoko: I'll give YOU details!!!! Come 'ere!! (_Unsheathing Katana)_

Murto: Shit!! RUN!!!


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Hinata go to Hogwarts

Chapter: #5 – Bananas, Duelling and Bears Oh My!

Author: Murto (Baka Tensai)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_**Secret Meetings**_

Shinobu Maehara seemed to glide down the aisles of the Hogwarts library like a ghost, as she searched for something. To passers by she was searching for a certain book or tome or something, but it was only a farce. She'd in fact meant to meet someone that afternoon in the Bewitched Folklore section. She arrived there and after a few minutes of pretending to look through some books, Keitaro's aunt Haruka appeared with the same, vaguely interested (or maybe perpetually bored) expression on her face as always.

"Thanks for coming, Ms Urashima" Shinobu said nervously with a bow. Haruka looked at her for a second, twiddled the toothpick around in her mouth a bit (school policy made her stop smoking in the grounds), then smirked slightly out the corner of her mouth.

"Hey no problem Kiddo," Haruka said reassuringly. "How can I help you? You said you wanted to talk about something?"

"Well um…. Its about, ……well….you see….. H-harry, I mean…."

"Oh? You like him and wanna tie him down so he can make you into a woman?" Haruka replied with a bit of a grin.

Shinobu meanwhile turned beet red and slammed closed the book she was holding a bit too hard. The book squealed with pain, jumped down, kicked her in the shins then ran off. Shinobu nearly swore out aloud, but after the anger management classes Seta had given her she counted to 10, thought about flowers cooking and cleaning; then realized that Haruka was still there awaiting a reply patiently.

"I…..well, I mean…. If that isn't too much, I mean, um……..yes," she said, almost in a whisper.

"Huh? Couldn't quite hear you there Kiddo…" Haruka asked teasingly, she couldn't help but torture a love-struck 14yo while she had the chance. Sir Caddigan just passed through a nearby painting at that time, saw the goings on and pulled out a bag of popcorn. Well, that is until Shinobu noticed him and shot him a death stare that gave him the impression that he probably shouldn't hang around.

"I mean, I um… love… Harry… P-potter and-I-really-need-your-help-Ms.-Haruka!" she stammered, rushing the last half of the sentence in a mad panic.

"Ok Kiddo, itll be no problem. Let me do some work backstage and if all goes well; you and him will be the leading stars in a beautiful love story," Haruka finished, the sly teasing grin being replaced by a warm, caring smile.

"Yay! I'm so relieved!"

"Its no problem Kiddo," Haruka reassured along with an affectionate pat on the young girl's head. "By the way, what happened to you and your love for my nephew?"

Shinobu thought for a moment. "Oh? Keitaro? I snapped out of it, he's pretty stupid and clumsy isn't he?"

"Hehehe, yea that's my nephew alright…"

Meanwhile, a few aisles down, a dark shadowy figure listening in on the conversation finished taking notes and vanished into the darkness…..

_**Double Bubble**_

Though they weren't the most boring, Snape's Potions classes were far from being anyone's favourite. Today's consisted of a remedial Potions class of students from all year levels and even some who were getting extra practice in before their OWLs. Numbers in classes lately had been dwindling, because of a bought of highly contagious Monkey Pox that was going around. Most of the students were being pulled out of classes after growing hair, wanting bananas and throwing fecal matter over the place. Such cases were taken to Madam Pomfrey, who kept them in cages with free bananas until they got better. However…this was kept secret from Kaolla Su.

Who knows what would happen if she found out about free bananas……

"Today," Snape said, flicking his wand to conceal a piece of lacey curtain he overlooked from last night's tea party. "We're going to learn how to make different Energy and Stat-enriching drinks. These may help you should something………….happen…" finishing the last few words, looking at the students with a grave look.

"Turn to page 479 in your books, proceed _quietly_ after selecting one from that page. You have 55mins."

Everyone set to work right away in their groups. Malfoy and his cronies already had a nice amount of hazy blue steam coming from their cauldron, but some of the Japanese Slytherins were not having as much luck.

"Motoko-chan, pass me some Deadweed, it says we have to add some after every 17th clockwise stire…" Naru asked.

"Deadweed? I misread, I thought it said the Seeds…" Motoko replied, still dressed in her kendo gear underneath her robes.

"Damn, well.. itll have to do then," Naru concluded, pouting. She added the seeds right after which turned the potion a silvery blue colour, emitting a thick green smoke.

"Ok next we nee-" she started again, being interrupted by the sound of broken glass.

"My word, Ms Kaolla, what are you doing?" Snape inquired of the small (and quite possibly insane) Indian-looking girl. She had spent the last 10 minutes rummaging through cupboards, desks and conveniently-placed Watermelon stands.

"I'm trying to find bananas! Every good meal needs bananas!" she answered with a bounce and a jump.

"Ms Kaolla, this is Potions, not cooking class. You won't find any bananas in here.."

"But but…"  
"But what, Ms Kaolla?"

She twirled and pointed towards her desk "But Ms Haruka drank our potion and needs bananas!!" she bounced, indicating towards an ape-like Haruka. Haruka was screeching, jumping up and down on the spot, throwing and breaking things.

" '_Ah ah ah!_' you say? Do you need to see a dentist?" Seta asked kindly of Haruka, until getting a 'Random Headbutting Potion' splashed all over him. "Oh ok. Oh, Haruka please excuse me, I'm quite compelled to headbutt you now."

"Malfoy, contain those 2 will you?" Snape requested, looking in disgust at the scene unfolding around him. Malfoy nodded to Crabbe and Goyle who went ahead for him. Crabbes hands kept Haruka at bay, but while trying to contain Seta, more Headbutting Potion got spilled over Goyle.

"Ugh, for goodness sake" Snape complained, thrusting his wand up into the air. "SEAL OF THE WILDEYAK!" he yelled, the tip of his wand lighting up like a red fire, then pointing towards the ruckus. He draw a circle around them then yelled "Petrificalus Totalus!". The 4 all then got petrified and fell to the ground, ending the scene.

Everyone's attention now drawn to Snape, it was now obvious that his "Evil teacher" persona had been replaced by "The cool, good guy who casted a cool spell in class" image.

"Whats that over there!" Snape shouted, pointing to the corner of the room. While everyone turned to look, he whipped out a pouch, poured some sparkling dust into his hand and blew it across the room. Everyone turned back to face him blank eyed, and after a few minutes their eyes ceased to glaze over.

"O-oh my god! Did you all see that Basilisk in here just now? I bet it was those pesky kids from Gryffindor again, -10 points from them!" he acted, stashing his 'Erase memory' dust back inside of his robes.

_**Engarde!**_

Students of all houses were gathered around the dueling platform again as they did every week, and were busily muttering between themselves.

"Man I hope Snape doesn't take the class again today, it sucked so bad last week"

"Oh I know bro, that BS move that the Fox Chick pulled, man I don't think detention could've been any worse"

"Yea, tell me about it. 100 students in detention, 4 hours of paddling, my ass will never feel the same again…"

The doors of the main practice hall burst open and speak of the devil, Snape came striding towards them, scowling as much as ever.

"QUIET!" he yelled, the class collectively shutting up in fear. "Again, I'll be taking the class this week, seeing as Professor Lupin is……..ill"

"coughBullshitcough" muttered Sara.

Snape merely raised his eyebrow and continued.

"So this week, itll be…" conjuring a hat filled with name cards and picking 2 "Kanako Urashima…. And……

Tension filled the room. This Kanako chick, while new to Hogwarts, looked formidable. No-one had seen her with a wand yet, so people all over were apprehensive just as to how powerful she really was. Neville adjusted his collar, Mutsumi smiled ditzily, Kitsune was working through some 10am sake and Sara was too much of a sociopathic evil genius to properly care what was going on around her.

"Mr Weasley," Snape finished, pointing at Ron then the platform with a menacing look.

Ron nervously made his way up and started mentally preparing himself. Kanako just stood silently and stared him down, cracking her knuckles and her neck in preparation.

"Today's special rule will be Quickdraw!" Snape added. Upon saying this, extra beads of sweat started gathering on Rons forehead, and Kanako just smirked.

"……………………..GO!" Snape shouted.

Ron pulled aside his robes quick as a flash, and drew his wand. He started casting a silent Blindness jinx. However, Kanako had a quick-draw mechanism inside the sleeve of her robes, and upon tapping her shoe on the stage she was furnished with her wand almost instantly. Before he finished casting she shot up the quickest Shield charm the class had ever seen. Ron's jinx was deflected, and hit Professor Black inside of his painting, who started stumbling around saying "Damn kids! Why is it always me getting blinded!"

Ron was taken aback slightly. He's been specially practicing quick-draw with Harry in Dumbledore's Army. Kanako smirked.

With amazing speed she twirled and yelled "IT'S A TRAP!" afterwhich a bunch of ropes flew out of her wand, tying Ron up. Now things looked grave for Ron to the onlookers.

"Damn, Kanako's really doing well isn't she Keitaro?" Naru commented.

"I know! I wasn't expecting this at all .';" Keitaro replid. "Remind me not to piss off little sister ever again ok?"

Naru nodded.

Kanako adopted a more powerful magical stance now, and started preparing a longer, more complicated spell. Ron pulled a stupid panic face, and upong managing to get his wand hand free, he cut the ropes with a quick spell. He stood up and shot a quick hex at the girl, but only grazed her arm. This was enough to distract her however and interrupt her casting. She scowled.

"Grrr this one's for big brother! INFLAMINGO!" she yelled, quickly twirling her wand. A flamingo made of fire squawked and lept forwards to attack Ron. Pulling yet another stupid panic face, Ron summoned a brick wall, into which the Flamingo ran and dissipated.

"Preparation spell, Silencio!" he whispered, his wand now glowing blue. By the time he finished this, the wall exploded, with bits of bricks and mortar impaling nearby first-year students. Once the dust settled, there stood Kanako ready for the next move…

Ron made a point of looking at the chandelier above her. "Nice of you to 'drop' in, Kanako" he said, pointing his wand at it and pretending to cast.

She reacted with an overhead Shield Charm, but Ron had already shot his pre-cast Silencio into her ribs before she realized the plot she fell victim to. Grinning slightly, he relaxed.

Kanako trying saying something, but being silenced couldn't. Being only new to witchcraft too, she was unable to perform silent spells yet. Ron basked in victory.

"Well well well Mr Weasley, it appears youre not a s pathetic as I first though. The winner is…." Snape started, but was interrupted by a silent Kanako banging her foot on the wooden platform.

"What is it, Ms Urashima?"

Kanako walked past Ron, turned around, and gave him a wedgie that would make a Unich wince. Having successfully pulled his underwear over his head, Ron promptly passed out. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Ah so the inventor of the 'Nasty Wedgie' curse has revealed herself. I stand correct; The winner is Ms Urashima!" Snape said, surprised.

"What's a wedgie? Does it taste like bananas?" Su asked.

"It 'could' if you ate enough of them" Kitsune replied.

Kanako looked down at Ron and smirked.

_**Engarde! Pt.2**_

There was a 10minute break while the arena was cleaned up and while Ron was hospitalized. Kanako, not even 1minute after being named winner, was in a corner of the room making out with Motoko. Or as she prefers to call her, her "Bitch".

"Well this is mighty interesting, I quite enjoy this class you know part-timer," Seta started

"…you cant be serious, its interesting to watch but at least 3 people get sent to hosptical every week .';" Keitaro replied, fidgeting with his collar slightly.

"He's got a point. Not even _Hogwarts: A history_ has recorded a dueling class being as brutal as this year's class. Hermione remarked, paling at the thought of some of the more recent matches.

"Yea, that Oompa-Loompa trick was uncalled for," Neville started, going pink in the face with anger.

Kitsune looked at him and raised a drunken surly eyebrow. Neville panicked and stepped back a few feet.

"Well Kiddo's, theres not much we can do. We all have to duel eachother in this class eventually," Haruka pointed out, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it . "I recion just cross your fingers and hope tha-".

A massive jet of water hit her, pinning her to the back wall. Snape stood on the platform with some water dripping from the tip of his wand, smirking.

"Now that I have your attention, Ms Urashima, I'd like to remind you that smoking is _prohibited_ at Hogwarts," Snape informed.

"You called? The only thing that's smoking is my bitch, DAYMN she's steaming" Kanako said, looking up and her clothes/hair all ruffled.

"I don't apprecia-" Motoko began retaliating

"Quiet bitch!" Kanako interrupted. "So whens the next fight at anyway?" she asked, adjusting her skirt beneath her robes.

"Now infact, next is Malfoy. Get up here boy, and Ms. Aoyama." Snape informed.

At this Malfoy smirked. He was gunna have fun with this fight, so he thought.

"Cool, a challenger," said Motoko. "About time too, Urashima needs a breathmint."

"Don't worry sweetlips, I'll go easy on you incase you decide you fancy me after the match" Malfoy sneered, throwing a suggestive eyebrow into the fray.

"Pfft, typical man. I'll make short work of you."

They steadied their hands, then as Snape yelled "Go!" they both drew and tossed out Disarming jinxes, which cancelled eachother out. Malfoy snorted with anger, and drawing a small circle in the air then pointing it as his offhand, launched a small fireball from his offhand, which she deflected with a well-timed Shield Charm.

She retaliated with a Baldness jinx, which hit him square in the leg. The whole room sniggered at the now-bald Malfoy.

"QUIET!" he yelled with embarrassement. "Oh _haha_ Ms Mudblood. So you wanna play it like _that_ do you? LEVICORPUS!".

Motoko got hoisted up into the air by her ankle, revealing her undergarments for the world to see.

"Wow, even _I_ wasn't expecting to see leather O.O" Kitsune commented.

"Its so…….dominatrix," Naru added. Shinobu fainted.

"I just like to keep my bitch….. midly entertained throughout the day." Kanako clarified.

"I'm not your bitch!" Motoko complained.

"SHUTTUP BITCH! Now get down here and that runt's ass!"

Malfoy, having been distracted by the show, accidentally let the spell to wear off through lost concentration. Motoko fell to the floor and Malfoy quickly threw a Shield Charm up.

"So what are you going to do now, Samurai Girl?" he jeered at her.

She replied simply by putting her hand on her Katana.

"Ha! That wont work, you'll need something better than some toy to break through this…"

"What-the-hell-were-you-doing-looking-up-my-skirt: Pervert Killing Wind Attack!!!!" she yelled, summoning all of her _ki_ energy and blasting him out the window.

"And the winner is…..Motoko. -10 points from Slytherin for use of excessive force.

Thank you for your time, R&R if you feel like


End file.
